King of America

It was almost a generation ago that the Electoral College met for the last time.

Who among us, I wonder, can recall learning about that venerable institution and the important role it once played in determining the future of our country?

From a young age, we were drilled on “...of the people, by the people and for the people...,” and yet it seemed like it was every four years there was new outrage about the College and about why the people could never be trusted to make such an important decision.

That all changed under the Protectorate of Donald Trump--peace be upon him.

Like a lost puppy wandering in the woods on a stormy night, Protector Trump found us when we were at our most vulnerable.

Those of us old enough to remember, will recall the many millions too afraid even to go outside, to meet our neighbors and learn their names, or to go to City Hall and find out for ourselves just what was going on.

Instead, we clung to the security of our warm blankets and the calming flicker of our televisions—that was our way of learning of the world before the advent of the wonderful Speaking Trumpet that lets us in on the real truth, the fantastic truth of how the world works, how great we are and the mysterious lands outside of our walls full of people who want only to take what we have.

I won't presume to speak for the rest of you, but for myself, I find the Protector's words--peace be upon him--reassuring and I often find myself falling to sleep listening to the now-familiar adventures of the Protector's--peace be upon him--many children as they journied outside our walls and do battle with the Outsiders, make them bend to our will and then return with many great and mysterious treasures.

Those of us old enough to remember "school" might have learned about similar journeys, in the early days of the World, where mysterious creatures called Vikings and Italians traveled the World and returned with stories of new lands and boats full of the greatest treasures. Thanks to the efforts of the Protector--peace be upon him--the younger in our midst, need not bother with these now-forbidden stories, they can, instead, visit one of the many Treasure Houses of the Protector--peace be upon him--where these same treasures are on display for all to see.

Yes, we have prospered and are once again a great nation, but this is due to the work of the Protector--peace be upon him. Able as we are to learn directly from Him and His vast experience, we have come to a new Enlightenment, a new understanding about opportunities as individuals and the privilege of self-determination.

We have come to understand the folly of our fathers and forefathers. We have seen that our prosperity, our greatness, had been held back by the so-called “checks and balances” that our ancestors so foolishly embraced.

Ever the humble man, the Protector--peace be upon him--patiently labored until everyone understood that we no longer needed “representatives” to act on our behalf. It was in the first days of the Protectorate that the “Expell to Excel” initiative helped us to see that we were paying a terrible price for a “government” that was, like so many other handmaidens of “democracy”, utterly corrupt and irreparably broken.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I was fortunate that my parents were able to leave me their copy of Lord Protector Trump's book--peace be upon him--in which he patiently taught us that "advise and consent" were paternalistic and the refuge of demagogues; that we could decide anything we wanted, that consensus was weakness.

And once we, as a country, made that breakthrough: that reality was ours for the making then a great many things became clear very quickly. The people were at last able to see the institutions of government for what they were: colossal vacuums of time and treasure, geared more toward self-preservation than leading the nation.

Remarkably, it was Congress itself—for that is what we called our “leaders”--that voted to go permanently out of session; few of its members wanting to risk violating their policy by inadvertently setting policy

This truly has been a remarkable period in the history of our remarkable country and one we could not have envisioned during those dark days when the country was constantly raising and spending money to antagonize itself.

Those days are over and it is now time to help our country to take the last step into a new and brighter future, one where we can finally let go of the last vestiges of the crushing bureaucracy, the yoke of regulation, the burden of responsibility.

We can now complete that journey to the land of Again Great that Lord Protector Trump--peace be upon him--spoke about those many years ago. Like Rosa Parks and those famous Freedom Riders, we can finally board that bus, sit wherever we want and leave the driving to someone else.

As we gather tonight, we can be “secure in our guts,” as the Lord Protector used to say--peace be upon him, that even this important step is part of the Design for Excellence that He drew up long ago.

Even as we sat anxiously while He was fighting wars on many fronts, and battling the disease that was ultimately to claim Him, our Lord Protector--peace be upon him--was, as He always would do, put the needs of the moment in front of the needs of the many.

In His infinite wisdom, He foresaw a day when we could no longer count on Him to lead us, to protect us and so, with Death at hand, the Lord Protector--peace be upon him--decreed that it was in the best interests of us all that he continue to carry on His work through his heirs. Just before He left us, He named His son Donald to carry on and guide us into the future.

Since the beginning of what the Lord Protector--peace be upon him--referred to as the “Pre-Regnum,” Donald was studying at his father's knee and learning how to make all of us great again by himself becoming a great person.

Donald Trump, Lord Protector of our neo-great nation—peace be upon Him—has left us; but He has left us in the hands of Donald the Great who will be henceforth known as “The Monarch of Greatness.”

Though we first took Him into our hearts—He and His brothers and sister—as “Donald Junior,” or “Donald II,” he has been no mere sequel, no half-baked follow-up to what we know to have been our fully-baked Lord Protector--peace be upon him.

Donald the Great—shortly to address you all via the Speaking Trumpet—is ready to drive the bus that is our country forward into and even greater future.

And have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, while He may have been born a “second, ” Donald the Great is but the first of His family that is ready to lead us. Lord Protector Trump—peace be with him—has offered his family as the ones to make the ultimate sacrifice and lead us into tomorrow: a tomorrow that looks remarkably like a past that we do not remember, but have heard wonderful stories about, so we are sure that it must have been great.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next voice you hear will be that of King Donald the Great.